She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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