Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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