hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
