Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
