He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
