this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize