Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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