someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
