Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
