Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
