Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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