Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
