There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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