i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
then he tried to convert me to islam
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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