I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
