do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
We were destined to go to rehab together
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
