Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
