i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
