Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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