Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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