the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
