yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
