Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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