You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize