Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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