yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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