Already got asked if we're dating
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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