In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
