When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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