So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
