(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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