You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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