Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
