I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
