3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
