i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
