My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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