Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
