when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
