i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
