I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
