my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
