this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
