Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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