What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
