he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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