Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize