there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
