I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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