Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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