just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
