I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
