I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
