Plan B is the new Plan A
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
