Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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