I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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