Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
