i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
