So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
A+ Viking dick
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
