Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
