I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
