just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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