You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
