Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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