Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
