Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
