3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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