I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
