this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
