went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
This beer is not sobering me up at all
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
